divorce by eguriase s. m. okaka

DIVORCE

BY EGURIASE S. M. OKAKA Divorce means to end up a marriage relationship. It is referred to as the legal dissolution of a marriage relationship by a law court or other competent body. Divorce happens when two people who are married no longer want to be married to each other or live together. They agree to sign legal papers that make each of them a bachelor again. Sometimes both parents want to divorce and other times it is just one who really wants to. In either case, divorce is typically undesirable. In the event of such eventuality we will look at what led to such union as man and wife. If you have the right motives about marriage or why you did come together as spouse. If it is as a helpmate as the case may be or as a business contract there should be every reason for divorce because every business contract is tired to a ‘deed’ example ‘Partnership’ binding all partners together in the business concern. Then one can say the least that the bond will therefore be broken by either of the partners, which is when divorce will be spoken of. But if the bond binding them together is intact then the marriage relationship will last for a life time. Now, “Can two walk together expect they be agreed?” The agreement in marriage is reached before the marriage is contracted for both spouse and it is expected to last during the marriage and beyond it, as the case may be. Can we walk together as man and wife, for better or for worst, in sickness and health whether the going is sweet or not. These questions should be settled between the couples before going ahead. If yes is the answer then divorce should be far from us. I think that most couples don’t answer these questions very well that is why when ups and downs begins to set in their homes they become surprised and thought it is some unseen forces plaguing them. That may be correct and also it may be wrong. There are some problems which are basically naturally and come with the actions we take most times. But when such problem comes many of us are insensitive and begin to attribute it to some spiritual forces from their village or family member. The only reason for divorce is when a man catches his wife committing infidelity with another man. Every other reason should be considerable and forgivable. When a woman his caught in adultery with another man she has already disgraced her head that is her husband before the public. No normal man will want to marry such women again expect that man is an adulterer himself. One fearful thing about divorce is: if a man divorces his wife he should rather remain unmarried. If we know this then we should think twice before divorcing anyone. Below are some causes of divorce could be: • Lack of commitment • Lack of intimacy • Infidelity • Conflict and arguing • Marrying too young • Financial problems • Substance abuse • Domestic violence Commitment means you will keep on treating your partner with respect, even when you are upset or angry. It also include that you will support your partner now and in the future. How couples show commitment in a relationship can differ depending on past and present experiences and expectations. When you choose commitment, you resist the temptation to betray your partner. If we are really committed to each other there will be no need for divorce at all but because commitment is lacking in many relationship that is why it creates room for divorce. If you are really committed to your spouse you should not be thinking of divorce in either ways. Some ways to build trust and commitment in your relationship: • Stay true to your word • Be consistent with your action • Maintain an open line of communication • Be honest • Make thoughtful decision Lack of intimacy: Intimacy encompasses more than physical closeness; it embodies emotional vulnerability and genuine connection. Couple thrives when they invest time in shared experiences, communicate openly about their feelings, and express affection. However, partners can feel isolated and neglected when this emotional bond is begins to wither. Lack of intimacy can be a powerful indicator that your relationship is at a crossroads. Lack of intimacy between couples is one of the quickest ways of divorce in a relationship. Because intimacy is one of the gifts that you can give to your spouse that will make him or her feel that they belong to somebody who can make them happy at any time. When there is lack of intimacy the sweetness of a relationship is threatened. This can make your partner feel separated from you; when they feel so that is when they start contemplating on divorcing from their partner because they feel separated already. Infidelity is not a female sexual problem alone it cuts across both gender. The man sees a woman and said why is my wife not like this woman? Likewise, the woman sees a man and said why is my husband not like this man? This is the beginning of unfaithfulness if it is nursed in their hearts. Nursing lust for another man or woman in your hearts could cause trouble in your relationship and make you start dispersing your wife who was once the most beautiful woman in the world as you earlier said when you were convincing her to marry you. She is now looking ugly and dirty to you because you have seen another woman outside who you thought beautiful than she is. I don’t know whether she has anything extraordinary in her that your wife don’t have? Let me say here that it is a mirage and error for a man to think that his wife does not possess what that woman outside have. That same issue ties the woman as well as the man. When both couple feels that some men or some women are better than they are that is when they start feeling incompatibility with each other. At that point they say I don’t think, we are meant for each other. Infidelity is the quickest way to divorce. Many respected men and women have been destroyed by infidelity. A Business magnate travelled with his female secretary to a business function, he slept with her after the function in the hotel chalet where they lodged. After one month she was reported pregnant. When her boss’s wife got to know the news of their secretary’s pregnancy, she angrily withdrew her ‘Share Capital’ from the company, packed out of her husband’s house and travelled out of the country. Because she had the majority Shares in the company it’s affected the company negatively and the company later liquidated. Infidelity ended up this company and infidelity made many staffs jobless and the same infidelity destroyed their marriage. Infidelity has never recorded anything good not now nor ever will it be. Conflicting and Arguing. In a place where there are two or more people there must be conflict and arguing because of diversity of opinion each may hold. Everyone has his own opinion and at the same time want that views to be accepted by all. Your ideal will not be accepted always and that may bring conflict or arguing if you are a man or woman who lacks understanding. Argument always arose from the fact that we see a particular point from different angle. I want you to agree with my view point which may be wrong to me. On the other hand, you are saying yours is correct but may not be palatable to the other person. Well such arguments are uncalled for in a marriage home and should not be mentioned among couples because you are one flesh by marriage.

Arguments can sometimes breed hatred in the home, so such arguments are unnecessary. If hate runs in a marriage relationship it will bring dissatisfaction with each other and when dissatisfaction is present there must be divorce. Dissatisfaction makes a couple to think of going their separate ways. Argument gives birth to conflict which is not a good hallmark of any good home. No marriage home should have conflicts or argument if they wish to grow old together; if they are really aware that they are now one flesh, one borne and breathing together one peaceful air. If married couple see themselves as one flesh then there should not be any need for divorce because you cannot separate one from one you can only separate two things. “Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and embraces his wife and they become one flesh.” Marrying too Young. When you are too young to marry and you are rushing to marry for whatever reasons; that person or persons may not be mature enough in heart to handle life issues like the challenges that emanate from marriage relationship. This is one of the big problems of the modern days. People are rushing into marriage without asking their parents how they survived marriage problems. Most of our parents who got married in their young age did not faced the problems we are facing today in marriages largely because they were faithful to their husbands so they survived when the storms of infidelity arose in their marriage. Many of our parents who got married in their young age did not divorce their husbands for any reason. Why not ask them how they survived the storms in marriage. Divorces are rampant in this modern time because many are rushing into marriage for unimportant reasons. There are many advantages when you marry very young and there are many disadvantages as well. In this times people holds their different opinion to the extent that you hardly know what is right anymore. A young married woman eloped with her ex-boyfriend in the name of enjoyment. Another young married woman said she will not get married now until she gets older than what she was and that when she is old she will find a man to settle down with. She got married to a rich comfortable businessman but her unmarried female’s friends always pester her to go to parties with them to enjoy themselves. So one day, she attended a ceremony with them where she met one of her ex-boyfriend and both of them eloped to another destination. Those young people who want to frolic around. After all, they are not yet willing and ready to marry because they don’t know what marriage stand for, i.e. a man and woman coming to dwell together as man and wife. Those are the ones who want to divorce at any time. I have seen some who got confessed of the problems they faced and packed out and ran back to their parent house because they couldn’t face the challenges of marriage head long. When two people married at their prime the chance of divorcing might be high. But when you marry late in life the chances of divorce may not come across your mind because of your age and maturity seek. I don’t want people to say that I divorce my wife at this age. Take a look at the age of those who are divorcing their marriage relationship you will find out that majority are young people in their late twenties and earth thirties. These are the ones who can say, “I am still selling in the market. At least, I still have what they those people needs.” With the many cases of divorce around us we still find people who are celebrating more than ’50’ years in marriage. Problems came up within those years and they faced it squarely and overcame it. Ask such people how they overcame and learnt from their precepts. I am stressing on maturity here because I know that maturity have a big role to play in your marriage. That is, marriage should be for the matured minds only not for babies. It is a well-known fact that money should be in a relationship to make the relationship sweet and move smoothly. That is to say that money plays a pivotal role in every relationship. Money is a source of contentions in marriages and when couples are struggling financially it can put a lot of stress on the relationship. Many relationships have gone sour because of the absence of money in the home. Many women have packed out of their homes because money is not there to answer their beck and call. Many are now unfaithful to their husbands because their husbands couldn’t provide for their needs. A case of infidelity was reported recently; when a married woman went to her neighbor’s apartment to borrow some salt to add to her pot of soup. As she entered her neighbor’s room she met this young man eating breakfast with some fried eggs, tea and bread together with a bottle of soft drink. ‘Neighbor, neighbor, you dey enjoy’. Please, I need some salt. And she also opted for some of the goodies that he was eating and he willingly gave some to her and she left. But the borrowing of salt became more and more frequent because of what she was eating and enjoying there even when they have salt she still goes there to borrow extra salt from her neighbor’s apartment. Well you won’t blame her much because she has not eaten that kind of breakfast for years now. She had lesser than that. She always wait until 12:00 Noon before eating her meal sometimes with no meat in the soup at all; and when she saw her neighbor eating that morning she was surprised and that was how her infidelity started to grow on a daily basis because of food. As soon as her husband left for work she goes to her neighbor’s apartment for her delicacies not only for the meal now but for something else. He started giving her money and other things which women like her cannot resist. Her husband was puzzled when he noticed some beautiful dresses in the wardrobe and confronted her, she said, my sister gave them to me. That was how she covers her secret affairs with her neighbor. One fateful day, one of her female neighbors saw her smiling out of their male neighbor’s apartment carrying a bag containing some new clothes and a pair of shoes. The female neighbors withdrew herself, and watch her until she enters their apartment. Her husband was told the whole story. But the man kept quiet as if nothing had happened. The next day, he got ready for work and left as usual but he came back after ten minutes time. By this time his wife had already jumped into their neighbor’s apartment. He quietly entered their apartment and did not met his wife inside, so tip toed to this man’s apartment and saw his wife slippers outside the door and forcefully opens the door and met his wife on his neighbor’s laps. He barked the door quietly and walked away and that was the end of their marriage. That is just one of the many asunder financial problem could cause in marriages. Financial problems are one of the leading causes of divorce among couples today. Substance abuse: Hard drugs are not a good hallmark of any person. When you are taking hard drugs you make yourself a less human or a beast that can’t be controlled. When a partner is involved in hard substances he or she has dented the relationship before the divorcement. If one of the partners deals in hard drugs he or she becomes dangerous specie to the other spouse. If both couples are addicted to drugs or alcohol, it can be incredibly damaging to a marriage relationship. One factor that may collapse marriage relationship and cause it to end up is drug or substance abuse. When couples are involved in taking hard drugs like cocaine, heroin and others that falls into this category. He or she becomes dangerous specie to the other partner. Hard drugs always impair your sense of judgment, weaken your physical strength and generally turn you into a nuisance, dangerous and inconsequential to yourself and others around you. Anyone who abuse drugs such as cocaine, heroin, and morphine risk serious health problems such as depression, hallucination, organ impairment or madness. Madness only is a big threat to any relationship that is why we should disabuse all form of hard drugs. There are more to enjoy in a relation apart from taking hard drugs. Both couple can together to create a pleasurable situation for themselves not by taking drugs which destroys vital organs in the body. It is never a sweet experience to hear that any of the couple is mad, so let’s abstain from hard drugs in marriage home. Hard drugs destroy and destroy absolutely. Another leading cause of divorce is domestic violence. Domestic violence is a dehumanizing and detrimental to a relationship. In most cases you have majority of these violence coming the men folks. They beat their wives mercilessly because of a fizzy excuse. This is not a normal situation in any relationship, they think it is. If that happens it means that the man does not love his wife, he is only pretending to love her. How can a man be beating his wife? I don’t think that that is normal. A man who beats his wife feels that she is something else different from he is. Please note that your wife is not a stranger she is one flesh with you. (You can check this blog for my video or on YouTube: Marry the Man who loves you not the Man the Woman Love). Domestic violence is in two ways either from the man’s side or from the woman’s side. Majority of cases are from the men while minorities of such cases are from the women. Whether it comes from the men or not domestic violence is inhuman and animalistic. Husbands stop beating your wives. Wives stop beating your husband. Funny to say a man parked out from the house because his wife is beating him. Just imagine that! I wish that every woman should understand her husband and every husband should understand his wife if we can do this, the event of divorce will be minimal in our society. Love is another great tool here if we have love the God kind of love that is sacrificial and unconditional; then the incident of divorce may not come from either of the parties. An unconditional love relationship is a relationship which is not tied to any condition whatsoever. When a marriage relationship is tied to a condition that is when you can talk of divorce when such condition is broken or not obeyed. Conditions are not favorable in marriages because man is prone to breaking laws most times with impunity and in such cases he sees himself right when his heart is thinking otherwise.

When couples see themselves as separate entity from each other rather than seeing themselves as one flesh in such case they will not be able to settle their differences if any arose because of the fact that they see themselves as two not as one. If you cannot divorce one thing then issues that can lead to divorce will not take place. Begin to see your wife as one flesh with you and wife see your husband as one flesh with you. Divorce is bad. No one should think about it at all. It is very possible to live in peace with one another. It is possible! By Eguriase S. M. Okaka